In high school I envied the popular kids who went skiing and owned puffy jackets in primary colors. I wanted such a coat. Further, I believed that owning such apparel would mean that I had arrived. When the LL Bean catalogue appeared in our mailbox, I snatched it up to my room and sat in the sun turning pages and wishing that I were in them. That I was one of those beautiful people with ski goggles and perfect smiles and two Golden Retrievers on a plaid mat by the fire.
After I graduated, I worked for two years at the Hannaford deli in Yarmouth, Maine. I made $7.50 an hour, then got a raise to $8. Rolling in such sums, there was only one thing I wanted. I drove down to the North Face store in Freeport and spent the better part of an hour browsing the racks. A wad of twenties burned in my pocket. I finally settled on a brilliant red jacket marked down to $250. I tried it on and it fit. The tag read “Expedition Rated.”
Once home, I zipped up the jacket and went out to shovel snow. It was twenty degrees with a wind chill. Still I felt hot. I rolled back the hood. Burning. I unzipped the front. Steamy. With growing alarm I realized that my prized jacket was too warm to use. I shrugged it off and threw it on a snow bank. I felt like a fool.
The jacket followed me to college in Indiana, not because I planned to use it, but because it was an integral part of my self-deception that stuff could make me feel valuable. During a chapel series on helping the poor, the speaker initiated a clothing drive. Each dorm should put boxes in the halls to collect jackets for the needy. I opened my small closet and saw the puffy North Face coat. I stripped it from its hanger and dumped it in the nearest cardboard box. I had worn it exactly once.
For each of us, I think, there is a red puffy jacket that symbolizes we have arrived. A flashy car, a better job, a tiny dress size or a large promotion or an attractive life partner, any one of which we think will make us feel content.
It will not.
Contentment comes from within. It comes from knowing our place in the world and loving God and our neighbor. Contentment cannot be found on a North Face rack anymore than it can be found in the pages of an LL Bean catalogue or at a wedding altar or at the bottom of a gallon of Cherry Garcia ice cream.
Whatever your jacket is, let it go. God says you are valuable today. Right now. In the mess. In the debt. In that sucky job or that fractured relationship or that anxiety disorder that just won’t relax. There’s work to do, for sure, and we all need to grow and change, but God cannot love you any more and he will not love you any less. No matter what. He’s promised.
So throw that puffy jacket in a box and look around at the world–your world–that needs you. There are things that only you can do. There is love that only you can give. There’s a God who adores you right now. It’s a wonderful thing to live in that love.
I realize it is unfashionable to say so, but sometimes my personal ambitions have to wait. While society encourages immediate self-actualization, nature provides a different sort of wisdom.
Last year I wanted to plant blueberries. I bought a soil test kit and discovered that our garden soil pH was too high. Experts said the only way to satisfactorily lower the pH was to introduce sulfur pellets into the soil and let microbes digest it. This would take a good year. I felt crestfallen. Wasn’t there a faster way? A microwave solution, ten seconds and *ding!* you’re done? No, said the experts, there wasn’t. At least not if I wanted healthy plants and a good crop. The only thing that would improve my soil was time.
It has been a year since I’ve written much. Last April, Josiah came into the world kicking and screaming to join Oliver who was entering his terrible twos. It took several exhausting weeks of tantrums and tears–only some of them the boys’–before I realized that my book manuscript and blogging had to stop. I hoped the hiatus would last a few months. A writer, after all, is what I fancy myself.
Three months of poopy diapers, spit-up, and time-outs turned into six months which turned into ten, and I realized that I was unready to write again. My family needed me in ways that regular writing prevented. It hurt to give up my dreams. I felt in some small way that I was dying.
Two weeks ago I planted blueberry bushes in our garden. They leafed out nicely, small roots digging deep into the soil they love. A year that appeared idle was all the time working hard beneath the surface to transform unfit dirt into healthy soil. Another year or two should bring a good crop. It doesn’t seem so far away. I doubt any other blueberries will taste so sweet.
Today, I look at those tiny plants and smile. My own heart has changed, too. More fit, I hope, as a place where words and ideas can find nurture to leaf out and produce a good harvest. A year of learning to live behind the scenes, hands folding laundry or up to the elbows in dirty dishes, a mind scattered between two small lives and the incessant clamor of need. Somewhere in the middle of this chaos life has sprung up. It’s hard to tell exactly how it happened or when. The soil remains unseen. There’s only one way to test it.
“There is great power in making the small and insignificant, magnificently significant.” – Peter Marty
This year I don’t want to lose weight. I want to gain it.
Let me explain.
The Industrial Revolution had many effects. One of the more unfortunate was to change the way society valued individuals.
In her landmark book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, Susan Cain argues that we have gone from a culture of character, which valued moral rectitude, to a culture of personality, which values personal magnetism and likability. This happened around the turn of the 20th century when our economy moved from agriculture to industry.
Think about it. All of a sudden Johnny Main Street and Suzy Creamcheese moved from the small town they grew up in—where they were known through the context of their entire lives—to a factory job in a big city where they were anonymous and without history. Job interviews, looks, personal magnetism, and first impressions now counted more than a lifetime of discipline and personal integrity. A person’s life was measured in fifteen minute increments: how they performed during a panel interview, whether they made you laugh at a party, looked swell in a gown, or paid for your drink. Human value scaled to the time between television commercials or the depth of cleavage in a dress.
Left in the industrial wastebasket were traits long-valued by societies around the globe. Things like discipline, kindness, dependability, perseverance, and long-suffering. These were more than words. They represented a philosophy of life quietly lived out in behavior over years and decades. A solidness and weightiness of character. A life of substance rather than show.
There is a word to describe such character. The word is gravitas.
Today, gravitas is usually defined to mean seriousness or solemnity, but its Latin origin means “weighty” or “heavy.” Think of a stone tossed into a still pond. The heavier the stone, the larger the ripples. Character is also like that. People with gravitas have a noble weightiness to their lives. They are heavy with influence, such that people “gravitate” toward them. What they say and do matters, and people around them feel the substantial positive effect of their decisions.
Ironically, while contemporary pop culture and electronic media often devote their attention to celebrity gossip and the fliff-flaff of marshmallow entertainment, history is largely swayed by people of gravitas. Think Abraham Lincoln and Clara Barton; Rosa Parks and MLK Jr.; Anne Frank and Winston Churchill; Mahatma Gandhi and Malala. The best writers, and thus, the best books, have a weightiness of wisdom which promote their words from forgettable hash to timeless classics. There is a difference, too, between politicians of the moment and states persons who transcend their times.
Admitting that gravitas is worth having, how do we gain it?
It is not easy. People with gravitas have credibility. That means, usually, that they have suffered well. They have faced adversity and pain and are the better for it. They have walked through the fire and have not been burned. Instead, they have been refined and purified. They have hard-fought wisdom that can’t be bought.
It is also long-term. The nature of gravitas demands a life of character and personal integrity. It disallows cheap methods or twelve-step programs to capture it. You can’t invade it, schmooze it, impress it in an interview, or pop a pill for it.
It requires suffering. There is a reason we read Joni Eareckson Tada on disabilities or C.S. Lewis on the nature of grief, or why the best books on forgiveness were written by prisoners of war and survivors of concentration camps. Personal tragedy transformed authors Corrie ten Boom, Ann Voskamp, and Philip Yancey in a way no celebrity platform could. They write from a depth of experience that readers can sense whether or not they know their stories.
It is genuine. You cannot conjure gravitas from artificial methods. I know of a television photo-journalist who engineered a series of “hot zone” engagements where he dipped into various conflicts in a tight black t-shirt and Fabio locks, then breathlessly reported from his dire circumstances with muddied flak jacket and darting eyes. It was obscene and the series was rightly panned.
Fortunately for those seeking gravitas, suffering will find you. It probably already has. You don’t need to flee ISIS to understand human depravity. There is plenty of ache in your own neighborhood, isn’t there?
In your own family.
In your own house.
In your own heart.
No one needs world-class suffering to attain gravitas. You don’t need to climb mountains or swim the sea to gain it. The daily grind of a nine-to-five, the demands of small children, the pressure of unpaid bills, chronic illness, sleep regressions, and unrecognized sacrifices offer ample opportunity to gain good character. As Peter Marty writes, “There is great power in making the small and insignificant, magnificently significant.” So it was with God becoming flesh as a tiny human baby. So it is with us.
The Bible knows gravitas.
In Hebrew, the word for honor and glory, “kavod,” is related to the word for weightiness, “kaved.” The idea is that when we honor God, we acknowledge his immense heaviness, his absolute significance. The entire universe pulls gravitationally toward the center of God’s perfect character.
Similarly, when we suffer well we become more like God by gaining gravitas through Christ-like character. Paul writes in Romans that “Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit.
Paul makes the connection between suffering and glory explicit in 2 Corinthians. “Therefore we do not lose heart,” Paul writes. “Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal weight of glory that far outweighs them all.” Because of this, he writes, we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Suffering well results in a depth and weightiness of character that makes people irresistibly drawn to you. They remember your words long after you’re gone. Gravitas is why I remember the homeless man who shared the gospel with me, the elderly woman with Alzheimer’s who told me of God’s goodness because it was the only thing she could remember, and the missionary to Papua New Guinea who gave up his American citizenship and died in the bush so he could minister to mountain tribes.
What about you? It’s not too late to make another New Year’s Resolution. Will you consider gaining weight this year?
Each year, something inside of me demands that this Christmas must be perfect. Not just great, you understand, not just meaningful, but absolutely soul-stirringly perfect. There must be snow. There should be lights. Gifts are given and received, with both giver and receiver blessed beyond measure by the thoughtful aptness of each perfect gift.
Friends and family gather. Differences are set aside. Children—even infants—smile benignly from tiny chairs where they wait with folded hands and upraised eyes. Awkward relatives become silver-tongued and sensitive. Departed loved ones exert their misty influence through various emblematic ornaments, cherished recipes, and well-told stories balanced with both humor and pathos. And through it all runs the golden thread of Jesus: his star topping the tree, his name on our lips, his Spirit strangely warming our hearts.
This never happens.
Last year our tree fell over.
I remember it falling in slow motion, the ornaments spilling onto the floor and crunching beneath the branches. I watched it fall and I could do nothing to stop it because Oliver was on the changing table and my hands were halfway into his loaded diaper.
As the tree fell, I watched a spreading stain on the carpet and remembered that I’d just filled its reservoir with two gallons of fresh water. I’d bought the cheap plastic tree holder the big box store recommended. Afterwards, I looked at the reviews on Amazon. There were a lot of one-star citations. One woman wrote, “Buy this cheap stand and save money so you can purchase a whole new set of irreplaceable heirloom ornaments when your tree falls over.” I liked that lady. I thought we would get along well.
Oliver thought it was hilarious. He danced around while I placed dripping fabric and shards of glass in a paper bag. I found the fractured spine of a ceramic angel still fluttering its wing. Ollie asked me this November if our tree would fall again.
The idea of Christmas perfection runs deep. When I was a boy, sometimes I’d fake an illness just so I could stay home from school in December and lay on the couch admiring our Christmas tree. I drew pictures of spruce needles and colored lights and imagined myself living inside a snow-globe-like world of perfect powder and Victorian carolers. Christmas perfection became, in a sense, a type of idol for me. An experience I could use to replace the presence of Jesus with a well-choreographed ballet of sensory pleasures. I didn’t mean to do it. It just sort of happened.
Two years ago, I tried to take Ollie’s Christmas portrait at home. I dressed him as an elf and put him in a chair with a wreath and lights. I got one good shot, but most looked something like this:
I felt disappointed.
It’s as if I depend on the perfect alignment of circumstances and people and props to validate the significance of this day. It is a day unlike any other, the day of my Savior’s birth. Shouldn’t it reflect that glory? Shouldn’t it likewise be perfect?
I guess I feel like a failure if my Christmas efforts are just “good enough.”
Nevertheless, year after year, decade after decade, entropy, gravity, and original sin enter the picture to take my perfect Christmas down.
I shouldn’t act surprised. The first Christmas wasn’t so perfect, either.
Think about it.
An imperial decree goes out to the Roman provinces guaranteed to cause discomfort and expense. Everyone travel to your hometown to be registered in a census. Tax documents to follow. Have your assets and deductions ready. Poor and nine months pregnant? Sorry lady, move along.
I can see Joseph looking at the setting sun, gauging the pace of his donkey and the state of his wife. Everyone else hurries past, making for Bethlehem before dark. Joseph’s a man like any other man. Surely he fights a feeling of frustration and failure. He knows the inns are first-come-first-served. He doesn’t own a rewards card. He couldn’t call ahead. Mary’s contractions are building and hurrying the donkey’s pace will only hasten the baby’s arrival. I wonder if Joseph felt a sense of betrayal. How could God let this happen?
It’s after dark and the inn, as Joseph knew it would be, is full. He’s not too proud to beg. Mary’s condition demands it. The innkeeper shakes his head. It’s late. Too late. Head out back to the shed. Yeah, I see your wife. Yeah, I know she’s pregnant. That’s why I’m letting you stay here. Count your blessings, buddy. It’s not perfect, but it’s good enough.
This Christmas, too, will be good enough.
After all the effort, all the hope, all the shopping and wrapping and shipping, all the Christmas-tree cutting and Nativity scene setting, all the emails and texts and plane tickets and coordinating, the candlelight services and Charlie Brown specials and mangled Pinterest projects, it will be good enough. Good enough to draw your heart toward that first Christmas. Good enough to make a place in your heart–however imperfect–for Jesus.
We don’t have a lot of money. Trees fall. Kids throw up or fall over or poop on things besides diapers. Sometimes adults do, too. But in the midst of those things, the thread of Jesus does run through our Christmas. His star does top our tree. His Spirit does strangely warm our hearts. And the first Christmas reminds us that when circumstances and people fail, God is still working out his beautiful things all the time.
9/11 has eclipsed for many the importance of December 7, 1941, when the Japanese Navy launched its surprise attack on the U.S. Pacific Fleet at Pearl Harbor. In our day, the memory of Pearl Harbor is at risk of becoming a “small thing.” I think this is a mistake.
A nation which forgets its trauma is doomed to respond to new catastrophes as if it had never healed. As if it had not grown. Such nations become amnesic and reactive.
History turns on pivot points like these: the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand on June 28, 1914; Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941; and the attacks on September 11, 2001.
And for those who played a personal part in traumatic history, the horror never quite goes away. Here, then, is the story of one Pearl Harbor survivor.
Lest we forget.
“What day it is?” Mr. Wallace asked, leaning heavily against his desk. He taught 7th-grade English at Greely Jr. High School in Cumberland, Maine, in the early 1990s. He also had a wooden leg. We joked privately that he’d lost it in the war.
“It’s Tuesday!” said a dark-haired boy from the back row. A titter of laughter spasmed through the class.
The boy’s name was Andrew. Later that winter he would piss on the bathroom radiator and then swallow a bottle of pills. We saw paramedics in purple plastic gloves wheel him out to an ambulance and rush him away. It left a horrible odor that lingered for months. The piss, I mean. Andrew was back in school the next week.
Mr. Wallace gave Andrew a long look. He must have thought we were savages.
“Today is December 7th,” he said. “Pearl Harbor Day. The day that brought a reluctant and ill-prepared nation into World War II. And in memory of the 2,400 men who died there, I’ve invited a guest speaker as I do every year. A sailor who was there and can tell you what he saw.”
“Oh God,” Andrew muttered. Seats creaked as kids leaned back in their chairs.
Into the room walked an old man with a friendly face, pink cheeks, and sunspots on his forearms. He wore tan corduroys, a Hawaiian shirt, and a blue Navy service cap of the type I’d seen my grandfather wear, with a golden profile of a destroyer.
“This is Bert Davis,” Mr. Wallace said. “He was an engineer on the USS Selfridge, a destroyer at Pearl Harbor. Bert spent 20 years in the Navy before he retired to become an oceanographic researcher. He worked with Jacques Cousteau. You should listen to what he says about this day.” He hobbled over to the radiator by the window and sat on it. Then he turned to Bert. “Floor’s yours.”
Bert looked around at us and smiled hugely. “You kids make me feel old. I guess five marriages will do that to you!”
“Rock on!” Andrew said from the back of the room. “Get some!”
Guys in the class laughed. Bert winked at Andrew and in his face I saw the faint outline of a younger man, full of piss and vinegar and raging testosterone. I hadn’t ever thought that World War II vets were interested in girls. I always thought of them as old and musty, like history books in the back of the library. Some with broken spines and torn pages, all rarely checked out.
Bert’s voice, when he spoke, was hoarse and passionate and it carried a weight that all of us youngsters lacked. He said that his destroyer had escorted another ship back to Pearl Harbor just in time for the attack. He was berthed belowdecks when the first explosions rocked his vessel. The guns on the Selfridge opened up and Bert raced topside in time to see the USS Arizona explode and start listing. From a distance he saw men floundering in the harbor, saw them struggle, saw them sink. He volunteered to look for survivors. “The rest of the day,” Bert said, “I just spent fishing bodies from the harbor with a boathook.”
The class grew quieter than I’d ever heard it.
“We was circling around in our launch,” Bert said, “just looking for bobbing heads or vests. Life vests, you know. There was slicks of oil that was burning and we was dodging them fires the best we could and listening for cries for help.”
Mr. Wallace shifted his weight against the radiator and his peg leg chunked on the floor.
“We’re tooling along,” Bert said, “and I sees this sailor in the water just covered with grease so’s he’s blended in with the water. So I yells at my mate, I yells and I says, ‘Hey, we got one to starboard,’ so he motors over and we come up real gentle to this sailor and when I reach down to haul him in I sees he is all burned to hell just like a marshmallow left in the fire, just all crisp and gristle, and so I try to grab his arms real careful but I have to pull hard enough to get him over the gunnel and so I pulls”—his voice caught jagged and jumped an octave and he paused and pulled a red handkerchief from his back pocket and wiped his eyes and blew his nose.
In the classroom there were twenty-five students and you could hear the hot air blowing from the radiator and that was it.
The old man dabbed at his eyes and then shoved the rag in his pocket and shook his head as if shaking off a memory and then he cleared his throat and said, “So I pulls and I pulls and damned if his skin don’t pull off his bones like sleeves from a jacket.”
His face twisted with pain and I could see the scene as if it had happened right there in the room and the linoleum was burning oil in the harbor and the radiator was the sound of engines and the hiss of steam from boilers going under.
“The poor kid,” Bert said, “the poor kid just screams and screams and I got no choice, I just keep haulin’ him in until he comes in over the gunnel and we lay him down on the deck with his skin piled up around his wrists like greasy dish cloths and him screamin’ fit to wake Jerusalem.” He paused and cleared his throat and somewhere a bell rang but nobody moved. Not even Andrew.
Outside the classroom I could hear kids shouting and laughing and lockers opening and then slamming shut.
Bert shook his head and clutched at his handkerchief and then snorted. “That was a long trip,” he said. “What an awful long trip that was. And then we went out again. And then again. Mostly we just found bodies. Some of the others was burned so bad they died before we made it to shore.” His wrinkled hands were working hard at the pleats of his corduroys. He looked up at our class of thirteen-year-olds and scanned us with watering eyes and finally he looked at the floor and sighed.
“I still have nightmares about that one boy.”
Congress declared war on the Empire of Japan shortly after noon on December 8, 1941. Nazi Germany declared war on the United States on December 11. The war cost the United States over one million casualties.
Bert Davis died at the Maine Veterans Home in South Paris on August 30, 2013.
In Texas, I once worked for a religious non-profit founded by an heir to one of the state’s largest oil fortunes. She was a good woman who was—and is—doing a tremendous work to help vulnerable people. I admire her greatly.
On September 11, I drove to work as usual. En route, I noticed every flag at every business and government building flying at half staff. My own workplace building loomed large over a busy intersection in a city north of Dallas. I stopped at a red light and noticed that the flag out front was still at full-staff. It puzzled me. Had someone forgotten what day it was?
At my desk, I emailed the chief operations officer about the flag. It was 9/11, I said. My brother had fought in Iraq. He’d lost men there. Could we lower the flag to half-staff? My hands trembled as I typed “send.” The un-lowered flag felt surprisingly personal to me.
The COO sent a quick reply. The flag pole was broken, he said. Had been broken for some time. They couldn’t lower the flag. They were trying to get someone to come out to fix it. He thanked me for raising the issue up the flagpole. Smiley face.
I liked this man and would willingly work for him again and count it a privilege. I once saw him on his hands and knees at the entrance to my office area, in dress shoes and pressed khakis, grouting tile. He’d rather do it himself, he said, than pay a contractor ten times what it cost him to fix it. I admire that spirit. He’s a good, fair, and humble man. And very competent.
That’s why it surprised me so much when three months later I drove to work on Pearl Harbor Day and noticed that the flag was still at full-staff. I sent an email to the COO. It was December 7th, I said. 2,400 Americans were killed on this day in 1941. The event that drove a reluctant and ill-prepared nation into World War II. Could we lower the flag to half-staff? The full-staff flag at the busy intersection made everyone passing by think that we didn’t care about veterans or our nation’s tragedies. Surely we didn’t want that.
He was apologetic. The flag pole was still broken. So very sorry. They were trying to get someone out to fix it.
I felt disappointed. I looked up at the chandeliers in the lobby. They were made out of deer or elk horns and were each the size of a mini-bus. They ran, I imagined, a cool $5,000-$10,000 apiece. I loved them. It hurt to think that our organization had the resources to purchase such lovely ornaments, but didn’t have the resources to get our flag lowered to half-staff.
Now, of course, I realize that the problem wasn’t a lack of resources. It was a lack of priority. I believe that the COO and the founder of that nonprofit genuinely cared about veterans. They just didn’t see the flagpole the same way I did. It didn’t hurt them personally. When stuff hits us in the gut, we tend to make it a priority.
I’ve been thinking about that in recent days. There are things happening right now which I want someone to do something about. I want politicians to take a stand for what’s right, even if it hurts. I want them to proactively deal with matters rather than waiting for their electoral base to agitate enough that they are forced to finally do something decisive. I hear a lot of words about need for change. I just don’t see any action. It’s not a lack of resources. We have lots of pretty chandeliers. It’s just good people with bad priorities.
Less I feel too self-righteous, I can think of dozens of ways in my own life that I fail to properly prioritize. A lot of the things on my Honey-Do List are well within my ability to execute. They just don’t hit me in the gut. So they stay on the list with my best intentions to someday get around to them. Sometimes it’s only my wife’s assertive reminders that leverage me enough to get up off the couch and do the difficult or unpleasant task.
I wish I were more like “Charlie.” When I worked at a medical school in Maine, there was a tall flagpole out front. I barely noticed it.
Charlie did. He was a current student and a former Navy SEAL. One day he stalked into my office in Graduate Student Affairs, broad shoulders tensed, face as red as his hair.
“You seen that flag out front?” he said, his words coming hard and fast.
“It’s shredded. It looks like it’s been dragged fifteen clicks behind a humvee. It’s an absolute disgrace.” He was big and fit and had graduated from the same high school as me. I wanted him to like me.
I nodded apologetically and adjusted my purple-striped tie. “Gee, that’s a shame,” I said. “I think you need to talk to someone in Facilities…”
Charlie interrupted. “Your brother’s a Marine, right?”
“Well, that’s his flag, too. And it’s a disgrace. So what are you going to do about it?”
I felt my face burn. Charlie was right. “I’ll take care of it,” I said, picking up the phone. I rather expected him to leave.
Instead, Charlie folded his arms and stayed by my desk until he heard me talk directly to the Facilties manager. When I finally hung up, he smiled. “Good job,” he said. “Thanks for doing that.” Then he stalked out.
It’s not always a lack of resources that keep us from doing what’s right. It’s not always poor character. Sometimes bad priorities happen to good people. People like our politicians. People like you and me.
Maybe it’s time more of us started acting like Charlie.
I have a thing about looking good. Because of this, God gave me two small children.
He has not yet given me three children because he knows that I would die. I am not trying to be funny. I was doing okay with one child and then along came another and suddenly I understood that I could not do this on my own.
I have tried.
This can go well for a certain length of time—say when one child is napping, or at pre-school, or in 30-minute increments of Elmo or Curious George—but when both children are awake and undistracted, fully present in their naked state of need, suddenly I do not enjoy myself. Stuff happens. Liquids happen. Tantrums happen. And then there are the children.
This is not how I wanted it to be.
I used to read books. I used to go to the bathroom by myself. I used to spend hours quietly pondering a tree. I used to wear clothes well, without much effort and with some style. Such things may happen again, but they are not now.
My esteem has as many bumps and bruises as my children. I have a college degree, a graduate degree, and some experience in the workforce. Coworkers and bosses used to like me. These things count for nothing—Nothing!—as a parent. My children do not care that I did well in school. They do not care that I was a devoted employee who handled stress with wry remarks. They have never watched “The Office.” They do not understand my competence in life.
What they experience is a daddy who drives in wide circles on rainy days as a way to burn time until mommy gets home. A father who takes them to the science museum and then has to leave in a rush when the social anxiety kicks in and his panic rises. A man who once served to exhaustion in church but now plunks his kids in front of the television so he can sit Gollum-like with his phone for a few precious seconds of adult interaction. Posting my successes on Facebook for the world to see.
I accidentally let my six-week-old fall off the couch.
Oliver fell down the stairs. Again. I blamed myself for letting him wear socks in the house. No traction, you know.
There was the time I saw Ollie run into our master bedroom—I saw him with my own eyes—and when I walked in two seconds later he was not there. I am not making this up. I looked under the bed. I looked in the closet. We have a small room, there was nowhere else to look. I didn’t call his name because I didn’t want to seem like a fool. So I stood there for thirty seconds, gazing at the eggshell paint on the wall and wondering what had happened to my firstborn son. Wondering if I had actually seen him flee into that room or was it possibly a different room? Such things can drive you mad.
“Hi Daddy!” he finally said, wandering out of the closet. I do not know where he hid. Afterwards I checked, but secretly. I didn’t want him to know that I’d lost him.
And there is an ugly side, the side of me that gets frustrated when a child acts badly in public or cries at night and won’t be comforted. Or during choke-points. You know choke-points. Choke-points like wake-up and bedtime and meals and trying to leave the house, when everything seems to come together in a screaming cone of unmet need and there’s two of them and just one of me and the sound and the fury and I’m a linear introvert who once made straight-A’s so for God’s sake shut up and just let me THINK for a minute. It will all be okay if I can just think. Daddy’s doing his best. Here’s your Nutella sandwich and a school of Goldfish. Oh, and carrots. You don’t want carrots? Well don’t eat ‘em then. Leave ‘em on your plate. See if I care. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Sometimes Daddy’s best isn’t good enough.
And this is a great blessing.
My two boys have done something that nothing else in this world has been able to do. They have brought me crashing to my knees. And they have made me reach out for help.
In my life as a single guy I rarely asked for help. From family, okay, yes, sometimes. But not from friends. Certainly not from strangers. I have tried always to be the one giving, serving, helping. There was something in me—that thing about looking good—that refused to humble myself and admit what must have been obvious to everyone else: I can’t do life on my own.
I was never meant to do life on my own. Wasn’t created with the capacity, you understand.
These are things God does to make people reach out to him and reach out to others. And you can sometimes mask them pretty well until you have two small children.
I need my wife. At Thanksgiving Oliver sat in his chair and threw small tantrums while our guests laughed awkwardly and looked at us, his parents, for their cues. I felt ashamed and wanted to fix Oliver’s behavior with punishment. I felt we were losing face. Teresa handled it better, observing out loud that he was looking for attention and wanted everyone’s love. She re-directed him, distracted him, gave him some alternative food options, showed him mercy and grace. It worked out better that way.
I need my friends. Yesterday I took the boys in the pouring rain to a friend’s house for a football party. On the way we stopped at Home Depot and Ollie threw a tantrum that knocked me on edge. Josiah screamed for the final fifteen minutes in the car. I felt my nerves balling up and then fraying like snapped piano strings. In the house, Ollie pushed his food around his plate and then stood behind my chair. I smelled an odor. “Are you going poo-poo?” My parent nose detected diarrhea—different, of course, from the normal bouquet of possible poo smells. Did I have diapers? Yes, thank God.
We went to a room. I changed Ollie’s diaper. Steve for the Win!
But his pants were ruined. I sniffed the stains to see if they were salvageable. They were not. I rooted through the bag. I had no extra pants. Those were in the other backpack, the backpack hanging neatly on the hook at home. Steve for the Fail.
We walked down the stairs past a roomful of partiers watching the game, watching us and surely wondering where Ollie’s pants were and why a father with two small children would fail to plan for contingencies. I would never make it as a SEAL. Back at the table, our friends quietly leant me a pair of their child’s pants, said we could keep them, said they’d done the same thing before. Another friend across the table said her daughter had once gone pantless at a department store and she just knew everyone was judging her and saying what a terrible mother she was. My cheeks burned but it made me feel less alone in my failure. It even carried me a little way through the rest of the afternoon when Ollie puked in the car and then in his crib. Diarrhea, people. It always means something.
I need Jesus. In my neediness, in my failure, when the boys have pushed me to my last reserves, I need the One who made me and knows me to give me the grace to push through. To hang on. To slow down, reach out, and ask for help. To find joy—yes, JOY—in the mess. Because it’s the mess that makes up most of each day, and it’s these messy days that make up the years of my life.
I have a thing about looking good. But I have a need for grace.